i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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