I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Randomize
