Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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