I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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