I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
