I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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