Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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