broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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