If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
