I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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