so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
this boner is exhausting
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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