My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It's official drugs can't kill me
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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