my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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