She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
