where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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