Plan B is the new Plan A
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize