I just pynch a tree in the face
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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