I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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