i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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