My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
