I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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