Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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