I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
