I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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