I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
