I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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