my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
there's paper in my vomit.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
