I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize