It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
