those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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