Sry I called you an 8
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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