Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
