DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
