Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
