I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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