So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My ATM looks so different sober.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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