I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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