Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
