ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
