My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
