I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
