He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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