Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
