My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
