The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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