I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
