you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
