There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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