My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
