The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
