i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
