you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
