The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
