So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
