I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
