Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
being pregnant is like rehab
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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