I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
