fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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