I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize