1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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