swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Randomize
